Thoughts of a Younger Me

I have great self esteem, and I'm very humble. When I think of myself, it is not with loathing, anger, indifference, or sympathy, but positive on the whole. Yes, constructive criticism and general fine tuning is always a fine motivator, but overall, I am content with myself.

And therein lies the difference of maturity between the James of seven years ago, and the slightly heavier and balder James of today. In the past two weeks, Rebecca and I have been talking about aspirations, hopes, and dreams. Unfortunately, I had relatively little to contribute to the pocket-full-'o-dreams. I am married to a smoking hottie, I have two and a half children, and I have a job that I'm quite content in. Yes, content would be a word that sums it up nicely. Do some days bleed into weeks and months of monotony? Occasionally, yes. And here comes the insight of a seven-year-younger James, circa April 2007.

"I don't want to be the guy with no ambitions, dreams and hopes come 20 years. I don't want to get into a routine that I follow in a mindless matter until Christmas and whenever I choose to take my two weeks vacation. I want to be on the move, always exploring, and never settling for sitting on a couch watching T.V. before I dread another day of work after my 6 or so hours of restless sleep. In summary, I don't want my life to suck.....so help me, if my lives dives down into a rut like the described above, then hit me in the groin with a sledgehammer and send me on a plane somewhere. Just some thoughts."- From Retrimentalism of Isomatrictical Eppigymes, April 28, 2007

Now, let's set a few things straight, younger James. There is nothing wrong about cuddling on the couch for the fourth night in a row to watch Tim Riggins cruise into the end zone to bring the Dillon Panthers to the state championship. Nothing. Wrong. Secondly, you will come to realize that a life with kids is not the humdrum kill joy that occasionally is portrayed in various media forms. Do they pee on the carpet? Yes. Have you had more than two consecutive nights of over eight hours of sleep in the past few years? Define consecutive. Does the lifestyle of a young parent lend itself to monotony of necessary routine? Absolutely. Is it unsatisfying enough to merit being hit in the groin with a sledgehammer? I certainly hope not (for my current self, and your future self). 

I think what I'm trying to portray is that a message of sacrifice for other (tiny) people, while seemingly "sucky", is in a deeper way, more fulfilling and richer than one of relatively limitless dreams and potential for oneself. Now, please, do not misunderstand that ambitions and dreams are wonderful, but the framework of said dreams is important.

Example: I could dream to be the best floor sweeper the world has ever seen. But to whose benefit is my sacrifice? Yes, the owners of a previous messy floor, potentially. But it really comes down to having the badge of "World Champ Sweeper" hanging off my left breast pocket that motivates me. And the world does need good sweepers.

But the false assumption of having to put dreams and ambitions on the back burner when raising a young family is simply wrong, though the dreams are not always clear and can become fuzzy as the years pass.

My ambitions, goals, and hopes are for my children to know they have loving parents that will encourage, discipline, and love them regardless if they poop on the toilet or not. My hopes are for my children to feel loved enough to get back up after they've fallen down. My ambition is to encourage my kids to explore the world that so marveled me when I was young, and still intrigues me today. I desire them to know their God, to love his world, and to pursue a life that is pleasing to him as I struggle to do the same as their father. And yes, I would like to have a mug on my desk that says "Worlds Best Dad" (if not simply for the novelty), but more so because I need a dedicated coffee mug. But, ultimately, I want to see my children thrive in this incredible world that we live in.

So, younger, thinner, fuller-haired James, your desires for goals and adventures are not unnatural. But they have shifted, and I hope the contentment that you have now is a litmus test to show that the shift has been for the best, and does not merit a swinging sledge into ones nether regions.