Fatherhood

In three months I'll have my life change forever. Thankfully it's a change that I've known about for about 6 months now, so I feel mentally ready for it. But, even with the heads up, the thought of being a father is very intimidating, especially being the father of a little boy. How can I, who once was boy (and has bouts of boyhood when I stub my toe and pout) raise this little gaffer in the Lord? How can I instruct him to be kind, gentle, but manly with a backbone? I suppose its best for me to figure those things out first before imposing, but if I've gained anything from education, it would be that learning seems to naturally happen in parallel with other people.

Considering this kid's birth date is set for the ever popular April 1, the day of trickery where malice can be spread in the name of good fun, I've thought of 2, nay, 3 tricks to play on the child, which could determine how he psychologically develops. Well just have to see.

1) Convince him that he can teleport in his sleep. Let's face it, we've all wanted to be able to teleport. Is it really that wrong to give the child a hope that he can? This can be executed quite simply by quietly moving him in his sleep to the garage, kitchen, bathroom, etc., then let him wake up in the morning wondering where he is. After a few nights, "teleport" him to a place where you are, and promptly wake him up, acting excited that he "just" appeared. Finally, let him brag to all his friends of his new found ability.

2) Convince him that there is an invisible member in the family. A child will likely make his own invisible friend regardless of this experiment, so no harm will be done. This of course would need the cooperation of your spouse, but once she is on board the execution is simple. You would just include the extra family member in all your activities, set a plate for them at dinner, and make sure not to sit on him when longing on the couch. Conversation would be a little one sided, but this could just be an exercise to help you think quick on your feet, while possible building up empathy by imagining what this individual feels. Heck, this would probably benefit the kid.

3) Convince him that you and your wife are mentally connected. You can read her thoughts, and she can read yours. Start by breaking out in laughter at random while shooting a knowing smile at your wife, gaily saying "Good one, sweetheart. That was a very clever joke". If the child implores you to explain your special bond, just say that all mommies and daddies have the ability. You can even let your other married friends in on the fun and have them for dinner, allowing only laughing or "mmmhmmm-ing" to occasionally break the silence.

Alas, I'm not a cruel person, but it's possible I can raise my child to be one.